LET'S CONTINUE; Miscarriage & My Story
-by Dempsey McKeen
When you find out that you’re pregnant for the first time, a wave of emotions comes over you. Excitement, fear and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. As the days pass, you think about what is to come at every free moment. And little by little you get more and more excited.
Until one day, that all changes. When I found out I was pregnant, I had a month to process it. My mind shifted into that mode, I started registries, started making plans in my mind about when to announce it and how, what I’d like the baby’s room to be. I thought about my hopes and dreams for this soul that I was carrying and felt that overwhelming sense of inadequacy about being a good enough mom for them.
One month after finding out I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I attended my first prenatal appointment in my 9th week. I was not allowed to bring anyone with me due to COVID protocols at the time. As my doctor performed my first ultrasound, her silence set in and I knew. She told me that she was unable to find the fetus… That this either meant that I was not as far along as we thought, or that the pregnancy was unviable. But in that moment, I knew exactly what was happening. I kept my composure while in the office, thanked her and left. When I got to my car, I burst into tears. I knew it was just the beginning of this process and that more was to come. I was heartbroken that this sweet soul would not get to be mine on this Earth. My husband was meeting me in the parking lot of my appointment and showed up just a few moments later. I told him the news and we just sat in the car for a minute to let it sink in. We made our way to go get some blood tests done that my doctor had asked of me. I sat there in silence, unable to fully comprehend what I would be dealing with. It felt empty and lonely.
I went to teach my classes at the dance studio that night. And just a few hours later, it began, the bleeding started. All I could do was surrender to the experience. I knew that I hadn’t done anything wrong. I knew that it wasn’t my fault. But the pain still existed. The loss was still happening and I had to figure out how to deal with that somehow.
That night, my dear Great-Grandmother Joyce appeared in my dreams. She came fully able-bodied, and hugged me tight. She was smiling and laughing and looked just incredible. That dream had nothing to do about the baby I was losing necessarily, but I also think it had everything to do with it. She doesn’t make appearances in my dreams often, but when I woke up, I just KNEW that it was her telling me that it will all be okay. I believe that she welcomed my baby with open arms into the heavens and I still believe that she is with and watching over them every day. What a comfort that is.
The next 24 hours were sad, and I allowed myself to be sad and sit in that. I took the day off, relaxed as much as I could and gave myself the time I needed. That night was the most painful of all. The physical pain set in, and it was something I had never felt before. It was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I spent hours curled up in a ball, trying to breathe and crying nonstop. Eventually the pain subsided and I was able to get a few hours of sleep. The next day felt like a daze. I was exhausted and felt like a shell of a person. The process continued for two weeks for it to fully pass. I had a few more bloodwork appointments that I had to go to, was still teaching two nights a week and working from home, but other than that, I didn’t do much.
I’m grateful to have never felt guilty for what happened. I’m so grateful to have felt peace throughout the whole experience. I was sad, and I still am sad about that baby that I don’t get to meet, but I know that one day I will know them and know why this happened to me. Even being pregnant now with a wonderful boy on the way, it still makes me sad to know that I would have had my other child in my arms by now.
After a miscarriage is a confusing time. Now your mindset has to shift back to how it was before. You no longer plan the baby’s arrival and what’s to come with that. Life just goes back to ‘normal’ and society expects you to just continue on as normal as though nothing happened. Only some of my closest friends and family knew what I had experienced. I questioned whether or not I should share anything about my experience, or keep it silent like I believe so many women do.
One thing that really helped me through was the courageous women before me who had experienced miscarriage and chosen to share their stories. It is because of those women, that I felt less alone. I could read their stories and know that I was sadly, just one of many. I learned that miscarriage is a lot more common than anyone knows. I felt sad for women all over the world who suffer silently. I strongly believe that we need to discuss miscarriage more. It needs to be more understood and it is nothing to be ashamed of.
Pregnancy after miscarriage is also confusing. The news was initially a little less exciting than previously, because fear overtook my mind and I just hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t experience another miscarriage. Fear is always there. I get nervous about things being wrong constantly. I still fear losing him somehow. When these thoughts and feelings creep in, I try to push them aside and replace them with hope and excitement. But sometimes that previous experience and pain finds its way back.
I didn’t feel ready to be a parent when I got that first pregnancy test, but throughout that month of knowing that that was inevitable, I learned that I am capable and ready, although I’ll never fully feel ‘ready’. And maybe that was that baby's purpose, to teach me that I can do this, that I want this and that I am capable. I fully believe in the cliché saying that ‘everything happens for a reason’. I may never know why, but I know that God has a plan for me and that it will all work out in the end. I look forward to the day that I get to meet that soul that was mine for just a short while on this Earth. I know that my baby is being taken good care of and I hope they know how much I love them and look forward to meeting them one day. Until then, I’ll continue to live my life the best I can, and bring the children I am blessed with into this world. I like to think that’s what they would have wanted.
Although I’d never wish this experience and heartbreak on anyone, I am grateful for the lessons, for the days I got to spend loving them and dreaming of who they would have been, and for the peace that overcame me as I miscarried. Life is hard, and it can throw some cruel things in your path. Surround yourself with positive people who will lift you up in your hardest of times. Find a partner who will do all they can to support you in those difficult moments, and trust that in the end, it will all work out accordingly. And always, always remember that you are never alone.