LET'S CONTINUE; LIVING
-by John Fifita
As the founder of Rayvorro, I wanted to shed light on mental illness in a deeper way than just selling clothes. In order to do this, I am going to share my own story and ongoing struggles with my mental illness and physical illness. It is my hope that you will join us in this journey of building a company that will help inspire others to become the best version of ourselves. I will be making video content sharing my story, mental health tips, and also filming content on my new charity organization that I will be starting next year in 2022. Some of the topics I'll discuss in upcoming videos will be about, depression, anxiety, trauma & triggers, medication, meditation, self development, and how mental health and physical health go hand in hand. Below, I have written only part of my story; I have chosen not to end my story but to continue...
TRIGGER WARNING!! THE FOLLOWING CONTENT CONTAINS TALK ABOUT SUICIDE.
Note: If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please talk to someone. It may seem like talking won't do you any good, but talking to someone is the most important thing you can do. Your dark thoughts have more power inside your head than they do when they are said out loud. There is resources that can help you like the suicide hotline. Once, I angrily called the suicide hotline thinking, 'there's nothing they can do to help me'. I was wrong! The lady that answered saved my life. Whatever you are going though, know that there is hope, healing, and happiness that await you. Keep going, press forward, and continue your story.
SUICIDE HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255
It has taken many years to get to where I am. By that I mean that I didn’t always know why I thought or did the things I thought and did. To understand my story, I am starting from before I had bipolar during my innocent years of childhood.
Denver Colorado, Born and Raised
I was born into a family who is super tight knit. My mom and dad were (and still are) happily married. There are five kids in total, and strangely enough, we all got along pretty well (most of the time). Since I was very little I always wanted to save lives and help people, however later on I was the one that needed saving. It wasn't until high school when I realized just how important those strong bonds with my family were.
Viva Las Vegas
After my sophomore year in High School, our family moved to Las Vegas, Nevada. That was when my bipolar symptoms really started. Although, bipolar symptoms started, I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until I was 22 years old. For me, not being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder was almost fatal for me.
Bipolar Disorder is also referred to as Manic Depression. People with Bipolar don't just experience extreme lows, but also extreme highs. You see, back in High School, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with clinical depression, so he treated me with antidepressants. The only problem is, ANTIDEPRESSANTS DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR BIPOLAR DISORDER! So yeah, you could have switched those antidepressants out for tic-tacs, and I wouldn't have known the difference.
During my Junior and senior years in High School, undiagnosed Bipolar sent me spiraling into deeper and deeper depressive episodes. My manic euphoric highs created more depressive lows. During a manic episode, I would't get any sleep. I could stay awake for hours just thinking about a new invention I had or how to remodel my house. My mind would do everything from contemplating how far space extended to visualizing an engine dissected into all it's parts in mid air. Instead of doing homework, I researched about generators, home wiring, and anything tech related. School grades began to plunge and so did the little self-esteem I had. Dark clouds of self hate surrounded me. I felt worthless.
Along with self hate came thoughts of suicide. I threatened to end my life so many times that eventually my parents had to call 911. A police officer took me to a hospital where I was evaluated and later transferred to a mental hospital. Being admitted to the mental hospital honestly made me rethink my life. I saw people who didn't have the family and support system that I had. That made me want to get better so I could one day share my story. However, things got worse before they got better. My roommate in the hospital was recovering from an overdose. That's what gave me the idea to overdose myself.
When I got back from the hospital things were ok at first, but at one point I had taken a bunch of pills in the middle of the night in hopes to end my life. I figured that if I was meant to die then I'd die. Little did I know that the result was just a painfully fast and hard heartbeat, and inability to sleep. That night, I wrote all the things I hated about myself on sticky notes and stuck them all over my room. I don't know if I ever told my parents about the pills. It wasn't my proudest moment.
Provo, Utah
Fast forward a few years, and I moved to Utah. It wasn't my first time living on my own, but it was the first time moving somewhere without any plans, and without a job lined up. A lot of my friends lived in Utah, and I felt like the move would help me to be more independent. I bought my own car and rented a room in an apartment with some college kids. Soon enough I learned how hard it is to upkeep and pay for everything yourself. I struggled to find and hold down a job (I was very picky where I applied for jobs).
After I quite a few Jobs, I finally got the best job that I’d ever have. My friend got me a job working for a basketball hoop company called Home Sports. The work environment was great, the job was fun, and I was being paid a pretty fair wage that covered all my needs.
The twist….well, the twist is that I had bipolar disorder and didn’t know it. I was very impulsive and reckless. I drove fast, did dangerous things, and spent my money faster than it came in. In high school, my depression was bad, but now it cause more disorder in my life. It now affected me at work and I was struggling to pay my bills.
Anyway long story short(ish); I have now learned how to manage my bipolar. I had to try a bunch of bipolar meds to finally decide that the side affects they had on me (seizures, drowsiness, tirednesses, etc) were not worth it. When I am manic, I have to channel it into productive things. When I’m depressed, I take supplements and practice good self care tips to help me get through the depression. Unlike situational depression, bipolar depression episodes are like clinical depression. Your brain all of a sudden starts having a hard time making chemical that make you happy. So sometimes I would feel on top of the world and everything is going smooth, and then for no reason, I loose interest in things and get depressed.
As part of Rayvorro, I am going to share more about my story and things I have learned. For now, I will say that I am proof that there is hope. I am self employed, I am married to the most amazing woman that loves my bipolar and all, and we just had our first baby. Life is tough, but it gets better. When you can take your trials and hardships and use them to learn valuable life lessons, then the wisdom that you gain becomes your payment. If you don’t get help, don’t talk to someone, and don’t continue to educate yourself, then you might go though hardships and not gain anything from it. We often give up when we feel like our hardships are unbearable. The loneliness, the trauma, the poverty, the hunger, or even the next natural disaster might leave you feeling like all is lost. I hate to burst your bubble but hope is not lost! Happiness IS possible even when your house is swept away or your loved one passes on. Sadness, anger, or anxiety, does not have to stay with you forever. That is why my vision for Rayvorro is to help people know that there is hope, healing, and happiness ahead. If you are going though something right now, keep going! Keep pressing on! You don’t have to get over that breakup or be back to your happy self after you lost a loved one. Give yourself time to heal and grow! So join me and let’s continue! Let’s continue grow and become the best version of yourself. Let’s continue living, trying, failing, trying, and succeeding!